Speak Now, or Forever Hold Your Peace.

Q: My good friend is getting married. As I get to know her fiance, I can't stand the guy. It is a mixed marriage. She is from the south.. he is not. He is a rude, obnoxious, racist, sexist, self absorbed jerk. He has stated that there will be strippers and prostitues at the bachelor party. She doesn't seem to care?! She loves him and he makes her happy. I realize that this is the important part of this. I am having a hard time coming to grips with her wanting to marry this bozo. He called her mother, (who lives in a different southern state) a backwoods nitwit, when she was out of earshot at a party. He doesn't like her family. I have to assume the feeling is mutual. She thinks this is her last shot at marriage and a family and happiness. I find myself fantasizing at that point in the wedding the preacher says if anyone has any cause .... and pulling out the videos that show all the stupid things the he has said. Is a prepaid divorce gift card an inappropriate wedding gift?
Signed, Trying to keep my mouth shut

A: Honesty often hurts. If you are willing to risk hurting your friend in lieu of your obvious disapproval of her choice in a partner, you will be giving her the gift of your honest and commitment to her as a friend. As you said, your fantasy is to voice your opinion in a convention that not only relieves you of convictions, but also of any engagement with the fallout of your words. The reality is that this is her life, and only she can desire to change from the decisions that she’s made or making. However, as her friend you have a responsibility to love her and speak truth to her in a way that alerts her to potential dangers that lie ahead.

This is why community is such an important and vital need for us. We need others in our life to engage with us on the things that we do not see (or don’t want to see). Without your engagement with her choice of a husband, she might not be willing to truly see the nature of her choices.

The bottom line is, keeping your mouth shut is the avoidance of conflict with your friend. Speak now, or as the saying goes; take your objections with you to your grave.

17 year old and addictive behaviors

Q: I have a 17 year old who is experimenting with all sorts of things. He is adopted and my ex is the second dad that has abandoned him. He has not seen his adoptive father in 8 months. During this time he has really been increasing in his disrespect, looking at porn, trying drugs, drinking, etc. I have him in counseling but can not afford it. Are there any of the groups that you think a 17 year old young man would feel comfortable in or that would be appropriate. I just didnt know if you all allow that age in and what you think about the idea.
- Susan from Middle Tennessee.


A: Right now Restore Ministries doesn't have any upcoming classes/groups for teenagers. We have some classes for adults beginning in the fall, but I’m not sure a 17 year old would be a good fit for a group like this.

Assuming that he’s willing to go to individual counseling, I’d encourage you to continue sending him there if at all possible. If this can’t continue, then getting him to attend AA or a Samson society group might be of benefit. Also you might want to get in touch with Cumberland Heights here in Nashville. They offer Youth treatment programs, both inpatient and outpatient: Cuberland Heights Website.

I’d encourage you to be as non-judgmental with his behavior as possible. Likely he is dealing with lots of shame, and he needs someone to love him regardless of his choices. This does not mean that you condone his behavior, but that you offer care and support for him despite his behavior. Furthermore, Care and support doesn’t include helping him get his way. Kids need to know they are loved and that they cannot get their own way. If you’re still supporting him financially and he’s living in your house, you have the ability to set rules for his behavior. If he chooses to disregard those behaviors, there needs to be consequences. Helping someone get what they want because you feel guilty is called enabling. You cannot enable his behavior if you want him to be well.