14 year old and Pornography

Q: My husband and I have been married for 17 years and we just recently found out that our 14 year old son has been viewing pornographic material on the internet. I'm shocked at his behavior and don't know what to do. He says he's sorry and that he won't do it again. What do we do? - Anne from Nashville, TN

A: Unfortunately, internet pornography is the easiest and most accessible pornographic material for anyone, let alone kids, to get a hold of. Recent studies have shown that the first exposure to internet pornography for kids is at age 11. Times have certainly changed since you or I were the age of your kids, and you and your husband need to be aware that your son is being bombarded with hyper-sexualized material and content on a daily basis. It's not just on the internet, it's on billboards, television, video games, and conversations with his friends. Because of this exposure, your son is going to be wrestling with sexual desires and fantasies that he does not know what to do with or handle. This is where you as parents come into play. You both, but especially his dad, needs to address issues of sexuality head on. The more you dance around the topic, the more your timidity will be felt by him.

Be aware that for any teenager there is a great deal of shame that exists with growing up. They are in a strange world, their bodies are changing, and are looking for relief and respite however they can find it. They need a safe place. They are finding their voice, and need your help. Often times they will shut down and distance themselves from you, the parents. This is not a rejection of you, rather it's a creation of new space and of attempting to find their own meaning and place.

Shame is a powerful motivator, but can lead to destructive lifestyles if left unchecked. I encourage you to normalize the behavior that your son is wrestling with. Yes viewing pornography is destructive, but it is also a very common practice not only for teenage boys, but grown men as well. Let him know that he's not alone. Let him know that you too have and had struggles in life that lead/led to behavior you regret. Kids need to know that they are loved and that they cannot get away with what they want.

A couple of practical suggestions to help your son be in a better position to resisting viewing pornography.
1. Make sure your computer is in a public space.
2. Install web-monitoring software to help block explicit websites (www.netnanny.com, www.internetsafety.com are a couple I'd suggest).
3. Create boundaries for internet usage such as time spent online, activities, etc.
4. Encourage extracurricular activities that do not include the computer or other 'screens' (tv, cell phone, dvd, etc).

The bottom line is this: Your kids need you to pursue them. They need you to be interested in their life, and sometimes this means showing them tough and strong love that might make them (and you) uncomfortable. Talk about sex, about pornography, and about the good and right sexual nature that we are all born with.

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