Speak Now, or Forever Hold Your Peace.

Q: My good friend is getting married. As I get to know her fiance, I can't stand the guy. It is a mixed marriage. She is from the south.. he is not. He is a rude, obnoxious, racist, sexist, self absorbed jerk. He has stated that there will be strippers and prostitues at the bachelor party. She doesn't seem to care?! She loves him and he makes her happy. I realize that this is the important part of this. I am having a hard time coming to grips with her wanting to marry this bozo. He called her mother, (who lives in a different southern state) a backwoods nitwit, when she was out of earshot at a party. He doesn't like her family. I have to assume the feeling is mutual. She thinks this is her last shot at marriage and a family and happiness. I find myself fantasizing at that point in the wedding the preacher says if anyone has any cause .... and pulling out the videos that show all the stupid things the he has said. Is a prepaid divorce gift card an inappropriate wedding gift?
Signed, Trying to keep my mouth shut

A: Honesty often hurts. If you are willing to risk hurting your friend in lieu of your obvious disapproval of her choice in a partner, you will be giving her the gift of your honest and commitment to her as a friend. As you said, your fantasy is to voice your opinion in a convention that not only relieves you of convictions, but also of any engagement with the fallout of your words. The reality is that this is her life, and only she can desire to change from the decisions that she’s made or making. However, as her friend you have a responsibility to love her and speak truth to her in a way that alerts her to potential dangers that lie ahead.

This is why community is such an important and vital need for us. We need others in our life to engage with us on the things that we do not see (or don’t want to see). Without your engagement with her choice of a husband, she might not be willing to truly see the nature of her choices.

The bottom line is, keeping your mouth shut is the avoidance of conflict with your friend. Speak now, or as the saying goes; take your objections with you to your grave.