Q: My good friend is getting married. As I get to know her fiance, I can't stand the guy. It is a mixed marriage. She is from the south.. he is not. He is a rude, obnoxious, racist, sexist, self absorbed jerk. He has stated that there will be strippers and prostitues at the bachelor party. She doesn't seem to care?! She loves him and he makes her happy. I realize that this is the important part of this. I am having a hard time coming to grips with her wanting to marry this bozo. He called her mother, (who lives in a different southern state) a backwoods nitwit, when she was out of earshot at a party. He doesn't like her family. I have to assume the feeling is mutual. She thinks this is her last shot at marriage and a family and happiness. I find myself fantasizing at that point in the wedding the preacher says if anyone has any cause .... and pulling out the videos that show all the stupid things the he has said. Is a prepaid divorce gift card an inappropriate wedding gift?
Signed, Trying to keep my mouth shut
A: Honesty often hurts. If you are willing to risk hurting your friend in lieu of your obvious disapproval of her choice in a partner, you will be giving her the gift of your honest and commitment to her as a friend. As you said, your fantasy is to voice your opinion in a convention that not only relieves you of convictions, but also of any engagement with the fallout of your words. The reality is that this is her life, and only she can desire to change from the decisions that she’s made or making. However, as her friend you have a responsibility to love her and speak truth to her in a way that alerts her to potential dangers that lie ahead.
This is why community is such an important and vital need for us. We need others in our life to engage with us on the things that we do not see (or don’t want to see). Without your engagement with her choice of a husband, she might not be willing to truly see the nature of her choices.
The bottom line is, keeping your mouth shut is the avoidance of conflict with your friend. Speak now, or as the saying goes; take your objections with you to your grave.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
17 year old and addictive behaviors
Q: I have a 17 year old who is experimenting with all sorts of things. He is adopted and my ex is the second dad that has abandoned him. He has not seen his adoptive father in 8 months. During this time he has really been increasing in his disrespect, looking at porn, trying drugs, drinking, etc. I have him in counseling but can not afford it. Are there any of the groups that you think a 17 year old young man would feel comfortable in or that would be appropriate. I just didnt know if you all allow that age in and what you think about the idea.
- Susan from Middle Tennessee.
A: Right now Restore Ministries doesn't have any upcoming classes/groups for teenagers. We have some classes for adults beginning in the fall, but I’m not sure a 17 year old would be a good fit for a group like this.
Assuming that he’s willing to go to individual counseling, I’d encourage you to continue sending him there if at all possible. If this can’t continue, then getting him to attend AA or a Samson society group might be of benefit. Also you might want to get in touch with Cumberland Heights here in Nashville. They offer Youth treatment programs, both inpatient and outpatient: Cuberland Heights Website.
I’d encourage you to be as non-judgmental with his behavior as possible. Likely he is dealing with lots of shame, and he needs someone to love him regardless of his choices. This does not mean that you condone his behavior, but that you offer care and support for him despite his behavior. Furthermore, Care and support doesn’t include helping him get his way. Kids need to know they are loved and that they cannot get their own way. If you’re still supporting him financially and he’s living in your house, you have the ability to set rules for his behavior. If he chooses to disregard those behaviors, there needs to be consequences. Helping someone get what they want because you feel guilty is called enabling. You cannot enable his behavior if you want him to be well.
- Susan from Middle Tennessee.
A: Right now Restore Ministries doesn't have any upcoming classes/groups for teenagers. We have some classes for adults beginning in the fall, but I’m not sure a 17 year old would be a good fit for a group like this.
Assuming that he’s willing to go to individual counseling, I’d encourage you to continue sending him there if at all possible. If this can’t continue, then getting him to attend AA or a Samson society group might be of benefit. Also you might want to get in touch with Cumberland Heights here in Nashville. They offer Youth treatment programs, both inpatient and outpatient: Cuberland Heights Website.
I’d encourage you to be as non-judgmental with his behavior as possible. Likely he is dealing with lots of shame, and he needs someone to love him regardless of his choices. This does not mean that you condone his behavior, but that you offer care and support for him despite his behavior. Furthermore, Care and support doesn’t include helping him get his way. Kids need to know they are loved and that they cannot get their own way. If you’re still supporting him financially and he’s living in your house, you have the ability to set rules for his behavior. If he chooses to disregard those behaviors, there needs to be consequences. Helping someone get what they want because you feel guilty is called enabling. You cannot enable his behavior if you want him to be well.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
14 year old and Pornography
Q: My husband and I have been married for 17 years and we just recently found out that our 14 year old son has been viewing pornographic material on the internet. I'm shocked at his behavior and don't know what to do. He says he's sorry and that he won't do it again. What do we do? - Anne from Nashville, TN
A: Unfortunately, internet pornography is the easiest and most accessible pornographic material for anyone, let alone kids, to get a hold of. Recent studies have shown that the first exposure to internet pornography for kids is at age 11. Times have certainly changed since you or I were the age of your kids, and you and your husband need to be aware that your son is being bombarded with hyper-sexualized material and content on a daily basis. It's not just on the internet, it's on billboards, television, video games, and conversations with his friends. Because of this exposure, your son is going to be wrestling with sexual desires and fantasies that he does not know what to do with or handle. This is where you as parents come into play. You both, but especially his dad, needs to address issues of sexuality head on. The more you dance around the topic, the more your timidity will be felt by him.
Be aware that for any teenager there is a great deal of shame that exists with growing up. They are in a strange world, their bodies are changing, and are looking for relief and respite however they can find it. They need a safe place. They are finding their voice, and need your help. Often times they will shut down and distance themselves from you, the parents. This is not a rejection of you, rather it's a creation of new space and of attempting to find their own meaning and place.
Shame is a powerful motivator, but can lead to destructive lifestyles if left unchecked. I encourage you to normalize the behavior that your son is wrestling with. Yes viewing pornography is destructive, but it is also a very common practice not only for teenage boys, but grown men as well. Let him know that he's not alone. Let him know that you too have and had struggles in life that lead/led to behavior you regret. Kids need to know that they are loved and that they cannot get away with what they want.
A couple of practical suggestions to help your son be in a better position to resisting viewing pornography.
1. Make sure your computer is in a public space.
2. Install web-monitoring software to help block explicit websites (www.netnanny.com, www.internetsafety.com are a couple I'd suggest).
3. Create boundaries for internet usage such as time spent online, activities, etc.
4. Encourage extracurricular activities that do not include the computer or other 'screens' (tv, cell phone, dvd, etc).
The bottom line is this: Your kids need you to pursue them. They need you to be interested in their life, and sometimes this means showing them tough and strong love that might make them (and you) uncomfortable. Talk about sex, about pornography, and about the good and right sexual nature that we are all born with.
A: Unfortunately, internet pornography is the easiest and most accessible pornographic material for anyone, let alone kids, to get a hold of. Recent studies have shown that the first exposure to internet pornography for kids is at age 11. Times have certainly changed since you or I were the age of your kids, and you and your husband need to be aware that your son is being bombarded with hyper-sexualized material and content on a daily basis. It's not just on the internet, it's on billboards, television, video games, and conversations with his friends. Because of this exposure, your son is going to be wrestling with sexual desires and fantasies that he does not know what to do with or handle. This is where you as parents come into play. You both, but especially his dad, needs to address issues of sexuality head on. The more you dance around the topic, the more your timidity will be felt by him.
Be aware that for any teenager there is a great deal of shame that exists with growing up. They are in a strange world, their bodies are changing, and are looking for relief and respite however they can find it. They need a safe place. They are finding their voice, and need your help. Often times they will shut down and distance themselves from you, the parents. This is not a rejection of you, rather it's a creation of new space and of attempting to find their own meaning and place.
Shame is a powerful motivator, but can lead to destructive lifestyles if left unchecked. I encourage you to normalize the behavior that your son is wrestling with. Yes viewing pornography is destructive, but it is also a very common practice not only for teenage boys, but grown men as well. Let him know that he's not alone. Let him know that you too have and had struggles in life that lead/led to behavior you regret. Kids need to know that they are loved and that they cannot get away with what they want.
A couple of practical suggestions to help your son be in a better position to resisting viewing pornography.
1. Make sure your computer is in a public space.
2. Install web-monitoring software to help block explicit websites (www.netnanny.com, www.internetsafety.com are a couple I'd suggest).
3. Create boundaries for internet usage such as time spent online, activities, etc.
4. Encourage extracurricular activities that do not include the computer or other 'screens' (tv, cell phone, dvd, etc).
The bottom line is this: Your kids need you to pursue them. They need you to be interested in their life, and sometimes this means showing them tough and strong love that might make them (and you) uncomfortable. Talk about sex, about pornography, and about the good and right sexual nature that we are all born with.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Welcome!
Welcome to the Ask a Restore Counselor blog!
Do you have a question that you'd like to ask a counselor about relationships, marriage, parenting, or another area of life that is giving your problems? This will be a blog/site where you can submit questions to the Restore Counseling Team, and they will respond to your question(s).
To ask a question, email Samuel Rainey (staff counselor at Restore Ministries) here: Ask A Question. By submitting a question to the above email address, you agree to have your question published anonymously to this blog/website. Please keep your questions brief and to the point.
Do you have a question that you'd like to ask a counselor about relationships, marriage, parenting, or another area of life that is giving your problems? This will be a blog/site where you can submit questions to the Restore Counseling Team, and they will respond to your question(s).
To ask a question, email Samuel Rainey (staff counselor at Restore Ministries) here: Ask A Question. By submitting a question to the above email address, you agree to have your question published anonymously to this blog/website. Please keep your questions brief and to the point.
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